yuley, owen doogan and bruce noble v the incredible hulk

It's Sunday night in the Woodcutter around 10pm. There are only around ten punters left and barman Yuley is sitting with Dot and Kurt watching a repeat of Midsomer Murders on ITV4.

  "I've seen this one," remarks Dot. "That's because it's a repeat," says her husband Kurt.

  Yuley laughs at Dot's amusing error: "Oh Dot," he chuckles, "what can we do with you eh?"

  Suddenly the door opens, Yuley wasn't surprised because it often gets opened when someone enters. He looked round to see who his customer was; he hadn't seen him in the Woodcutter before.

  Assuming his position behind the bar, Yuley asks the mysterious stranger what he wants and is stunned when he answers in an accent that he doesn't recognise.

  "Are you Welsh?" asks Yuley.

  "I'm an American you dumbass," replies the stranger.

  "Hey! There's no need for that," counters Yuley.

  "Sorry. Give me a scotch on the rocks."

  "Do you want ice with that?" asks Yuley.

  "Yurp," drawls the stranger shaking his head, "a scotch on the rocks with ice."

  Yuley pours the drink and plops two cubes of ice in, startling Jimmy Kirk and Owen Doogan, who are sitting at the opposite end of the bar. Owen, noticing the stranger, attempts to engage him in conversation: "Who the f*** are you?" he asks the moody drifter who doesn't reply, simply downing his scotch and sliding his glass towards Yuley. "Hit me with another one," he says.

  Owen, deeply hurt by the snub, gets up out of his seat. Upon reaching the stranger, he pokes him in the back: "I was f****** talking to you!" he screams.

  The stranger doesn't react, uttering: "Don't make me angry - you wouldn't like me when i'm angry."

  Owen reacts the only way he knows how - by mocking the mysterious American. "Chicken!" he says whilst flapping his arms wildly by his side. "Buck, buck, buck, buck buckawww!" he screeches as the stranger attempts to control his temper.

  "Leave it Owen, it's not worth it," shouts Dot as Owen continues with his cruel chicken impersonation.

  "I told you not to make me angry," whispers the enigmatic drifter.

  "Oh what lovely green eyes you have," comments Yuley as he looks at the stranger's face.

  But what Yuley or anyone else in the bar doesn't know is that the stranger was none other than David Banner - the mild-mannered alter-ego of: The Incredible Hulk!

  Punters look on open-mouthed as the slim Banner transforms into a muscle-bound, ten foot tall green monster. His shirt rips revealing gigantic biceps as buttons pop off and fly in all directions. "Ow!" yelps Frank Daly as one hits him in the eye.

  Thirty seconds later the horrifying transformation is complete.

  Enraged at Owen Doogan's lack of respect, he picks him up and throws him against the wall. Doogan is momentarily embedded in it, before eventually falling off, leaving an Owen Doogan shaped indentation.

  "RAAAAAARRRRRR!" bellows the furious monster, every sinew in its body tensed to breaking point as it strikes the sort of pose only ever seen in Mr. Universe competitions.

  "Keep the noise down mate," asks Bruce Noble, his game of dominoes being spoiled by the hulking brute's unimaginable fury.

  Angered even further by Noble's complaint, the Hulk picks up the pool table and throws it at him, squashing him flat against the gents' toilet door. Noble's blood and brains drip from the ceiling onto the floor, forming a sort of gruesome pizza topping. "Are you ok Bruce?" asks a concerned Snug Wilson as Noble's moustache flutters to the ground, all the while the Hulk inspecting the rest of the room.

  "You can clean that up," shouts Yuley from behind the bar, making the beast turn towards him.

  "Get him Yuley," pleads Dibble Brown, cowering in fear behind the quiz machine, "you're a black belt in Karate!"

  "F*** that!" answers Yuley, "i've got work in the morning." He slams the hatch shut as the Hulk moves menacingly towards him.

  All of the important events in Yuley's life flash before his eyes as the beast closes in on him: the moon-landings; the Falkland's Conflict; the fall of the Berlin Wall; Aqua getting to number one with Barbie Girl.

  Suddenly he snaps out of his trance-like state and karate chops the Hulk on the windpipe. "Haaa-ya!" screams Yuley, as the deadly blow connects with the beast's throat. However, it has little effect and with one flick of his finger, sends Yuley smashing into the lounge.

  As the Hulk once more fills the bar with an almighty blood-curdling roar, Jimmy Kirk comes up with an amazing plan. Quietly removing a 50p piece from his pocket, he sneaks to the jukebox behind the Hulk's back and inserts the coin into the slot. Selecting a song, he stealthily sits back in his seat and waits.

  A second later the theme song from Titanic by Celine Dion bursts from the loud speakers. The reaction from the slavering beast is immediate. His face softens, his arms drop by his side and his breathing becomes more shallow as the beautiful music gradually supresses his primeval instinct to kill.

  It takes only 30 seconds for the once enraged beast to revert to the mild-mannered David Banner.

  Yuley, who has now regained consciousness - comes back into the bar

  "You're f****** barred mate!" he shouts at the confused American.

  "Eh? What have i done?" he pleads innocently.

  "You've killed Bruce and Owen for a start - out!"

  "Ok, ok," a resigned Banner replies, before opening the bar door to go out where he comes face to face with Steve McMullen who'd been out for a cigarette.

  "Do you want to buy a shirt?" he asks the embarrassed American.

  VERDICT VICTORY FOR THE INCREDIBLE HULK